old spice
by seleneswan
Summary: Real adventures for real babies. —Natsu/Idiocy, Gray/Apathy, and Gajeel/Douchebaggery.


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**+old spice**

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Gray really should have known better by now than to involve himself in anything that Natsu was a part of, especially if Gajeel was involved.

It was an off day, there were no jobs posted on the board, and everyone was restless. Which, naturally, meant that somehow, everyone ended up at Lucy's place. As usual.

But what _wasn't_ natural was the fact that Natsu wasn't pining after Lucy like a pathetic puppy—no, the idiot had chosen to place himself in her kitchen.

The fridge door was open, at least four different cupboards had been rummaged through, and Gajeel and Natsu were hunched over something out of sight. All the signs were there, and rationality said that Gray should have backed out the door as soon as he had entered.

But it wasn't like he'd had anything better to do. Juvia was having a ladies' day out with Levy, and Cana was still passed out from drinking herself under the table again. The old man was nowhere to be found, and Laxus and Mirajane were busy flirting _again_—not exactly something he wanted to involve himself in.

So he casually wandered over, ignoring all the alarm bells ringing in his head. "What're you guys doing?"

Natsu looked over his shoulder, a grin plastered on his face. "We're gonna light all of these candles on fire and it's gonna be great."

"…that sounds like the dumbest idea—"

And then Natsu stepped aside, revealing a slice of cake, the top of which was entirely covered in candles to the point where whatever icing used to exist there simply wasn't visible anymore. It was like a small army of candles, back to back.

Gajeel grinned at Gray's silence. "Right? It's gonna be fucking awesome."

"You're going to light the kitchen on fire," Gray pointed out, leaning against the counter, hands shoved in his pockets.

"Nah, I've got this," Natsu grinned. "I'm a fire dragon slayer. This is my _element."_

"Try telling yourself that the next time you light your pants on fire you—"

"_THAT WAS ONE TIME, YOU PRICK."_

Gajeel snorted. "Fucking married couple, the both of you."

Gray rolled his eyes heavenward, anticipating the shrieking that was bound to come from the pink haired wonder. But to his surprise, there was blissful silence. And then, the smell of smoke.

Snapping his head down, he looked back just in time to see Natsu much more occupied with concentrating on working up an adequate amount of energy.

"…dude, isn't that strawberry cake…?" Gajeel noted, but it was too late.

"Fire Dragon's Whisper!" he shouted contradictorily, cupping his hands in front of his mouth to aim the flames.

To his credit, the kitchen did not burn down. The concentrated effect was slow enough that the candles lit one by one…in the beginning. But because they were so close together, the flames spread on their own from wick to wick without any help.

And then, somehow, the slice of cake's flames leapt at least a foot in the air, akin to a flamethrower.

Natsu clapped giddily, hopping from foot to foot. "See, I told you it'd be okay," Natsu said, sticking his tongue out childishly at Gray.

"…Natsu," Gajeel tried again, ignoring the beginnings of an argument. "This cake. Tell me that it's not strawberry cake."

"Yeah, it is. Why?"

There was long pause, and then Gajeel's hands were wrapped around Natsu's neck. "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE."

Natsu's face began to turn redder, almost matching his hair as he wheezed out, "Nothing! What—you were _supporting _me through this!"

Gajeel let go of Natsu's throat all of a sudden, point a finger aggressively at the flaming cake. "_That _is Erza's cake."

All the blood that had previously accumulated in Natsu's face drained rapidly. "…oh. Oh. Okay, okay," he began, pacing back and forth. "Okay we should put the fire out, take the candles out, and smooth over the icing and put it back in the fridge!"

Gray raked a hand through his hair. "Dumbass, how are you going to put that out, exactly? You produced the largest flame to have ever existed on baked goods."

"WE CAN POUR WATER ON IT," Natsu yelled suddenly.

"WHAT KIND OF SHITTY PLAN IS THAT?" Gajeel gesticulated wildly. "THE CAKE WILL BE SOGGY."

"Fucking—CALM DOWN," Gray commanded. "If you keep yelling, Lucy will show up and then we'll all be doomed for screwing around in her kitchen."

Natsu froze in his tracks. "Fuck."

Gajeel cackled suddenly, then. "Someone's whipped."

Gray smirked. "Nah, to be whipped he'd have to be in a relationship with her. He's just been mooning over her for weeks."

"_Guys," _Natsu hissed urgently, looking like he was about to piss his pants. "Shut up—she could _hear y—_"

Gajeel sneered, interrupting crudely. "Hear us announce to the world that you're a pansy and won't grow the balls to tell her that you've been jerking off to her ti—"

"SHHHHHHHHHHH," Natsu hissed. "Guys the problem at hand is the _cake_," he continued, trying desperately to get back on topic.

"That's all on you, idiot," Gray shrugged. "I haven't touched that cake."

"Gray, you can freeze it!"

"No."

"But—"

"No."

"BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE—"

"No."

"GRAY _PLEASE_—"

And then all was silent, the heeled footsteps that they were so familiar with coming through the house. "You said you put my cake in the fridge, right, Lucy?"

Natsu, in utter panic at this point, began to blow air at the flames as best as he could, but they only served to fuel the already huge fire coming off of the cake. Half of the wax had melted onto the surface.

It was beyond repair.

"_Gray_," Natsu cried desperately, dropping to his knees. "_Please_."

"…dude, the reason I kept saying no was because I literally _can't_; all of my ice attacks are too big—"

And then Erza was in the doorway, blinking rapidly. "…why is my cake on fire?"

"PLEASE GRAY," Natsu screeched.

"For the love of—Ice Make: Shield," he bit out, and as his fist slapped his palm, he knew he regretted this.

Gajeel's eyes were wide as ice shot out of the ground, spearing through the middle of the kitchen in a giant barricade between Erza's side of the room and theirs. The cake, caught in the crossfire, not only lost all of its flames but was shredded to pieces by the ice.

Erza's face crumbled. "…my cake."

Gray sighed, head bowed. "Erza, we can get more cake," he began, trying to appease the beast, but it was no use.

For as quick as the disappointment appeared on her face it was gone, replaced with anger. "How is it," she said, voice steely, "that _every time I manage to get my hands on strawberry cake, one of you manages to ruin it?"_

Natsu scrambled off of the floor from where he was kneeling, ready to make a run for it when Lucy sidled into the remains of her kitchen.

"…why is…why is my kitchen destroyed?" she questioned, wide eyed.

Gajeel, shit eating grin and all, was the first to volunteer an answer to the both of them. "It's all Natsu."

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**notes: **NO, THIS TITLE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. unless they smell good. which they probably do. unf boys that wear cologne though. not too much; just the right amount.

some backstory for you! this idea came from, if you remove the spaces and replace appropriately: scrypturient. tumblr [dotcomslash]post/49755987199/the-sarcastic-robot  
which is basically the actual representation of what these idiots tried to do

THANKS TO LES FOR DEALING WITH MY IDIOCY. AND TK FOR BEING TK. and thank _you_ for reading!

(p.s. if someone can explain to me how it is that I put out more fiction during finals week—when I should be doing _less_ writing—than any other time of year, it would be muchly appreciated. ideas. gah. they can't be contained.)


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